| I am a life-long computer programmer | I know my way around the full stack | I am a Ruby on Rails expert |
| I try really hard to write simple code | I’ve hosted websites for hundreds of domains | I’ve changed how entire organizations do work |
| I’ve written a ton of open source software | I wrote two of the most widely used addons for a large MMO videogame | I automatically scale Heroku workers up and down |
| I know when to run processes on a background worker | I have helped to build communities interested in clean energy | I use both Linux and Mac everyday, but Windows still feels like home |
| I’ve written far too much assembly code | I was one of the top boulderers at my local rock climbing gym | I wrote a bot that tests websites, so I don’t have to |
| I obfuscate the number of users on a website | I have a daughter with a unique name | I’ve never failed to win a typing game |
| I’ve written a full-screen WYSIWYG website editor that doesn’t suck | I think it’s weird that the alphabet song has the same melody as twinkle twinkle little star | I copied that floppy |
| I ran my own mail server that accepted thousands of email messages every hour | I search and filter databases and arrays at the same time | I am the master of a dungeon. With dragons. |
| I ran a ramen-profitable IT company | I’ve been to three different Walt Disney parks | I wrote a Windows kernel driver |
| I don’t have stairs in my house, but I am protected | I prevented software piracy of a popular desktop software application | I wrote an experimental database from scratch |
| I have coded Hello World in more languages than I have fingers and toes | One summer, I connected seven CD-rom drives to a single computer and mp3’ized a huge collection of albums | I invented my own box-packing algorithm before I knew what an algorithm was |
| I embrace semantic versioning | I’ve written a Tetris clone | I had multiple Geocities websites |
| I haven’t bought new clothes in 10 years | I programatically create animated gifs of website features | I think Stripe is the best online payment processor |
| I torrent legal content | I better be right or your great big venture goes wrong | I’ve hiked the West Coast Trail |
| I change my own car tires | I’ve built multiple Arduino projects | My favorite movie is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade |
| I wrote my own encryption algorithm. And I know why that was a terrible idea. | I ran linux on the desktop in the late 90’s and early 00’s | I wrote a calendar sharing app before sharing calendars was a thing |
| I’ve written software to synchronize with a Palm Pilot | My wife has a stripper name. She does well to put up with me. | I can say the alphabet backwards |
| I wrote a drag-and-drop bootstrap3 menu builder | I don’t write CPU blocking code on an event dispatching thread | I graduated from the University of Alberta |
| I’ve browsed the web with Netscape Navigator | I’ve written entire apps in MS Access | I have implemented multi-tenancy web apps |
| I got honours in high school | I wrote a WebRTC based chatroom | At my wedding, I played guitar and sang my vows |
| I’ve built my own LinuxFromScratch custom linux system | I still think Winamp is the best media player | I can use chopsticks |
| I can pivot a table | I’ve written my own form inputs | Right now, I probably have coffee breath |
| I have built tools to run academic studies | I am writing software that will one day make myself obsolete | I violated US election law when contributing money to a candidate |
| I own some Bitcoin | I’ve contributed to open source projects | I routinely surf the internet through both a VPN and with Tor |
| I upload huge files straight to AWS S3 | I kissed a girl underwater while scuba diving | I know why the A* algorithm is better than Dijkstra’s |
| I ran my own popular FTP server until it had to be shut down | I am scared that SQL is now a turing complete language | I’ve considered myself an expert in Ruby, C#, VB and Java |
| I put commas in my comma separated values | I synchronize websites with Quickbooks | I’ve read all the Game of Thrones books |
| I’ve fixed memory leaks. But I can’t seem to remember when. | In school, I always hung out with the cool kids | I’ve prepared Rails apps to scale |
| I’ve helped a provincial healthcare provider reform their internal records | I know a lot about scripting Word and Excel | I know how to bunny jump |
| I paid for WinRAR | I use a different password on every website | I know how to feed twitter. But I don’t wanna. |
| I’ve configured and compiled the Linux kernel from source | I thought I had completed the final fantasy, but then they made like 14 more | I own a firearm |
| I know how to chroma-key an image with Imagemagick | I bike and bus to work | I know how to scrape websites |
| I’ve used both Emacs and Vim for many years. Now I don’t use either. | I wrote e-commerce software that has processed millions of dollars | I am an amateur athlete and a weekend warrior |
| After buying my first house, it only took 3 years to completely renovate my basement | I have flown across the Pacific ocean | I hate printers |
| I think Star Trek is better than Star Wars | I have too many email addresses | I am looking for my next quest |
Deep thoughts on why software sucks