Matt Riemer

Deep thoughts on why software sucks

Life long coder and genuine human. All-around great guy.

Full stack Ruby on Rails developer and enthusiast.

Currently building Tadum! with Code & Effect.

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Quest Log

I am a life-long computer programmer I know my way around the full stack I am a Ruby on Rails expert
I try really hard to write simple code I’ve hosted websites for hundreds of domains I’ve changed how entire organizations do work
I’ve written a ton of open source software I wrote two of the most widely used addons for a large MMO videogame I automatically scale Heroku workers up and down
I know when to run processes on a background worker I have helped to build communities interested in clean energy I use both Linux and Mac everyday, but Windows still feels like home
I’ve written far too much assembly code I was one of the top boulderers at my local rock climbing gym I wrote a bot that tests websites, so I don’t have to
I obfuscate the number of users on a website I have a daughter with a unique name I’ve never failed to win a typing game
I’ve written a full-screen WYSIWYG website editor that doesn’t suck I think it’s weird that the alphabet song has the same melody as twinkle twinkle little star I copied that floppy
I ran my own mail server that accepted thousands of email messages every hour I search and filter databases and arrays at the same time I am the master of a dungeon. With dragons.
I ran a ramen-profitable IT company I’ve been to three different Walt Disney parks I wrote a Windows kernel driver
I don’t have stairs in my house, but I am protected I prevented software piracy of a popular desktop software application I wrote an experimental database from scratch
I have coded Hello World in more languages than I have fingers and toes One summer, I connected seven CD-rom drives to a single computer and mp3’ized a huge collection of albums I invented my own box-packing algorithm before I knew what an algorithm was
I embrace semantic versioning I’ve written a Tetris clone I had multiple Geocities websites
I haven’t bought new clothes in 10 years I programatically create animated gifs of website features I think Stripe is the best online payment processor
I torrent legal content I better be right or your great big venture goes wrong I’ve hiked the West Coast Trail
I change my own car tires I’ve built multiple Arduino projects My favorite movie is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
I wrote my own encryption algorithm. And I know why that was a terrible idea. I ran linux on the desktop in the late 90’s and early 00’s I wrote a calendar sharing app before sharing calendars was a thing
I’ve written software to synchronize with a Palm Pilot My wife has a stripper name. She does well to put up with me. I can say the alphabet backwards
I wrote a drag-and-drop bootstrap3 menu builder I don’t write CPU blocking code on an event dispatching thread I graduated from the University of Alberta
I’ve browsed the web with Netscape Navigator I’ve written entire apps in MS Access I have implemented multi-tenancy web apps
I got honours in high school I wrote a WebRTC based chatroom At my wedding, I played guitar and sang my vows
I’ve built my own LinuxFromScratch custom linux system I still think Winamp is the best media player I can use chopsticks
I can pivot a table I’ve written my own form inputs Right now, I probably have coffee breath
I have built tools to run academic studies I am writing software that will one day make myself obsolete I violated US election law when contributing money to a candidate
I own some Bitcoin I’ve contributed to open source projects I routinely surf the internet through both a VPN and with Tor
I upload huge files straight to AWS S3 I kissed a girl underwater while scuba diving I know why the A* algorithm is better than Dijkstra’s
I ran my own popular FTP server until it had to be shut down I am scared that SQL is now a turing complete language I’ve considered myself an expert in Ruby, C#, VB and Java
I put commas in my comma separated values I synchronize websites with Quickbooks I’ve read all the Game of Thrones books
I’ve fixed memory leaks. But I can’t seem to remember when. In school, I always hung out with the cool kids I’ve prepared Rails apps to scale
I’ve helped a provincial healthcare provider reform their internal records I know a lot about scripting Word and Excel I know how to bunny jump
I paid for WinRAR I use a different password on every website I know how to feed twitter. But I don’t wanna.
I’ve configured and compiled the Linux kernel from source I thought I had completed the final fantasy, but then they made like 14 more I own a firearm
I know how to chroma-key an image with Imagemagick I bike and bus to work I know how to scrape websites
I’ve used both Emacs and Vim for many years. Now I don’t use either. I wrote e-commerce software that has processed millions of dollars I am an amateur athlete and a weekend warrior
After buying my first house, it only took 3 years to completely renovate my basement I have flown across the Pacific ocean I hate printers
I think Star Trek is better than Star Wars I have too many email addresses I am looking for my next quest